


strumming my pain with his fingers (killing me softly with his song)

by orphan_account



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: AU: Hide Joins Kaneki After Sasaki Haise, AU: Hide is Part of Goat, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Background Touka/Kaneki, Character Death, Death, F/M, Hanahaki Disease, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Songfic, Suicide, hinami is a blessing like usual, just... bear with me, shuu is nice for once, they say "i'm sorry" way too often, woah i have a lot of au tags
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 18:44:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9250757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: When he pulls his hand back, there's something on it. Something covered in saliva and blood, but beautiful nonetheless.A tiny blue flower, delicate and small. A bright yellow center with white streaks making their way out of the middle and towards the petals.Oh no.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I dunno what this is. To be honest, I've had terrible writer's block over the past month, so this is just me trying to break out of it. I'm trying out a new style of writing, so please, bear with me.  
> Comments and kudos are always welcome! Criticism is desperately needed.  
> <3

_Strumming my pain with his fingers, killing me softly with his song._

He's always been a curious person. In more ways than one, really. He enjoys a mystery, honestly. It's the best way to describe him; curious, bubbly, likes mysteries, because he doesn't know anything else to be. They say that he hasn't changed at all, but he knows he has, and it's like a volcano in his gut; ready to explode at the slightest movement.

Hide is with Kaneki now, though, and it's almost like it was before. Well, if you forget about how Kaneki barely notices him. He thinks about their relationship sometimes, like now, when he's laying against his bed's headboard and slipping his fingers through a book's pages. Hanahaki Disease and It's Outcomes is what he's supposed to be reading, but one look at the summary page had him wishing he could throw the book halfway across the world. He's heard of it, of course, but it seems so  _painful_. He'd rather never fall in love than have to live with the soil in his veins and the flowers in his heart. It's far too painful.

He leans further back against the bedframe, sighing as he hears it crack softly. There's probably enough cracks in it to resemble a china bowl, more specifically, the one that Touka likes to keep in her room. She may act like she's straightforward and pessimistic, but he's known her for long enough to know her better than that. She liked to tell him, (when Kaneki was gone, because he was gone for a long time. _Too long_ ) that, " _China bowls may crack, but they can always be put together again._ "

He wonders how she's so wise when she's barely a year younger than him. Maybe he hasn't been focusing on the right things. 

The door creaks open slowly, and a head of messy brown hair peeks it's way through, "Hide-kun, dinner is ready."

"Ah, thanks Himani," he murmurs, rubbing her head and making the strands even messier. She gives him a deadly look before patting her hair down. It's funny to mess with her, really. The others are always so serious, only focusing on what to do _next_ rather than what they  _could do_ now. Hinami is an exception, of course. A tiny, too-short, angelic exception. She walks in front of him, chatting animatedly about what she's made for dinner. She always remembers that he doesn't eat what she would, and makes him a side. Hide wonders how long it takes to make them, but she always tells him that she doesn't mind. She has nothing better to do.

He knows the feeling.

Hinami opens the door for him, bouncing on her toes as she explains how to properly cook a human hamburger. He nods along, uninterested but not willing to let go of the conversation just yet. He slides through the door, briefly thanking her and looks up. The rest of them are sitting in a ring in the middle of the room. Take gives him a careful smile and Hide returns it, sitting next to him. He wonders that if Akira weren't still in bed, she would have already been sitting where he is now.  _They don't need you._

Kaneki clears his throat, giving them all a cautious look. "We're here to talk about what we should do."

 _Of course we are_ , Hide thinks. "What _are_ we going to do, Kaneki-sensei?"

Kaneki doesn't laugh, but gives him the slightest of smiles. "We're taking a break, per your request."

Hide would be an idiot to not notice how Kaneki's been slowly drifting away, but in all honesty, he can't blame him. Kaneki had different ideals now. They've changed from sitting on a plastic whale in the middle of a deserted playground to saving the world. Hide is proud of him, but still. He selfishly wishes that Kaneki was with him more often.

Hide forces himself to nod in understanding. "Right, of course." Touka shoots him a worried look from across the circle, and is quickly mirrored by Kaneki, but he ignores it. The two of them are too similar, it  _annoys_ him.

"Dinner!" Hinami calls, and all thoughts of strangling the two of them exit his mind, replaced but the burning need for food.

He doesn't notice the look that Touka and Kaneki share.

✿

The past few days have been explicitly boring. Kaneki and Touka make it a habit to go out in the morning and return by sundown, a habit that Hide largely tries to ignore. The  ~~~~Hanahaki Disease and It's Outcomes sits largely ignored on his bedside table. He'll flip through the pages once or twice a day before becoming overcome with grief that he doesn't understand. It's really no different today, except for when he reads, " _When the love is not requited, the bearer of the disease will most likely die of suffocation,"_ he slams the book across the wall. It's not  _fair_ , to have these feelings and be so dependent on someone who doesn't care about you at all. He has no idea of why he's so invested in this book, but his body is moving before he can think. Gentle, pale fingers move away the clothes at the bottom of his dresser and pull out a shoebox. It's plain, cardboard with the word "Memories" written over the top in scrawling script, with too many breaks and too many starts. He lifts the cover delicately, pulling out the pictures carefully and looking over each one.

There's Kaneki, with his arms wrapped around Hide's shoulders, a grin on his face. There's a picture of the night sky, with Hide smiling at the camera with Kaneki hides his face with his hands. There's Kaneki, Kaneki, Kaneki, Kaneki... 

Groaning, Hide drops the pictures back into the box and slips the lid on it. He can't seem to bother standing up, and instead takes his time to admire the beginnings of a sunset streak across his window. _Kaneki must be back_ , he thinks quietly, and then curses himself for thinking of his best friend right  _now_. He's so dependent on Kaneki, it makes him sick, but there's nothing he can do about it. Still, he stands on shaky legs and drags himself to the door, pulling it open to reveal-

Kaneki has his hand wrapped around Touka's waist, a delicate smile on his face as his lips slip into her. At the sound of the door opening, the pair jump back, Touka's face red and Kaneki's hands wringing together in shame. "Hide!"

"Hey guys," he says blankly. "Nice to see you."

Kaneki gives him a gracious look and pats his shoulder as the couple squeaks through the barely open door. Once Hide is sure that they've left, he wipes the tears from his eyes and lets out a tiny cough. It's not Kaneki's fault that... that what? What's _wrong_ with him, damnit? When he pulls his hand back, there's _something_ on it. Something covered in saliva and blood, but beautiful nonetheless.

A tiny blue flower, delicate and small. A bright yellow center with white streaks making their way out of the middle and towards the petals.

_Oh no._

✿

He talks to Tsukiyama first.

Hide knows that the older ghoul has a vast vocabulary of the Victorian flower language, and if the book is anything to go by (" _Most flowers have a unique meaning to it's owner._ ") then it's best for him to understand what this means. Is he  _in love_ with Kaneki? That doesn't make sense, really. He doesn't remember ever having feelings for Kaneki in that way, but what if he  _had, what if he had and now is the only time he's noticing? What if-?_

Tsukiyama leans across the doorway, a delicate smile coating his features. "You called,  _ensoleillement?_ " Hide ignores his words, plaintively placing his palm upwards.

"What does this flower mean?" he asks carefully. Tsukiyama raises an eyebrow and smirks as Hide tries to backtrack. "N-not that it's for any reason! I mean, it's f-f-for fun?"

Tsukiyama chuckles, slowly picking the flower from the shorter boy's hand. "Where did you get this?"

"I-I found it on the ground?" Hide tries, but Shuu just shakes his head.

"These flowers aren't blooming now. That's impossible," he informs the fidgeting Hide.  _Shit._

"I-I don't know?" he offers.

"Do you know what type of flower this is,  _l'ange_?"  _No,_ thinks Hide.  _If I did, would I be here? Do you think I want you to interrogate me?_

"No," he scoffs, toeing the edge of the ghoul's carpet. He wants to know, really, but some part of him wonders if it's really worth it. If it's really worth it to be in so much  _pain_ for what? _Love?_

" _Pétale,_ this is a forget-me-not." Shuu leans forwards, giving Hide a smile. "I'm sorry."

_Oh. **Oh.**_

"Why are you sorry?" he hisses, snatching back the flower with a fire in his eyes.

"The only way for you to get that flower would be from Hanahaki Disease. I'm not _stupid_ ," the ghoul says, rolling his eyes. Hide casts a careful look upwards and shakes his head. Maybe he was wrong about Tsukiyama.

With a sigh, Hide turns around, trudging back towards his room. At Tsukiyama's, "Wait!" he turns around, glaring mercilessly at the taller man. "What?"

"The forget-me-not," he says, "it means true and undying love." And then he's gone, slipping away into his room like he was never there in the first place, leaving Hide to clutch the flower to his chest and cry.

✿

~~i'm not in love with kaneki i'm not in love with kaneki i'm not in love with kaneki i'm no i'm not i'm not no no no no no~~

✿

Hinami, bless her soul, finds his papers before anyone. Lines upon lines of words, never changing, always the same. There are too many of them to count, but Hinami does anyways, sitting on the edge of his bed and tracing all of his flowers, one by one. He can count those, at least. Thank god, thank _god_ that there aren't enough to suffocate him.  _He's selfish, he doesn't want to die._ Twenty-four flowers, all in a neat little row. Blue, blue, _blue_. Twenty-four flowers in forty-eight hours.

"I'm sorry," she murmurs, rubbing calming circles on his back. He resists the urge to pull her hands off.

"You don't need to be sorry," he reminds her. "It's no one's fault."

"They're for Kaneki, aren't they?" she whispers, and he frowns.

"No," he says, "they're not." It's a lie, though. He  _knows_ now. Every time he sees Touka wrap her hands around his waist, every time Kaneki kisses her softly, every  _single **fucking** time_, he  _knows._

She shakes her head. "What are you going to do about it?"

"Nothing," he says, because that's all he _can_ do.

✿

"Is there something wrong with Hide?" Kaneki asks Touka. The two of them are draped along the couch in their usual fashion.

"Not that I know of," Touka murmurs, nestling closer to Kaneki. Hinami gives the two of them a unimpressed look as she stirs a pot of bubbling blood.

"I think," she says softly, "that Kaneki, you should spend more time with Hide."

Kaneki takes a deep breath, looking at the tiny girl.

She's changed so much from the time he's first met her, and a part of him wonders if that's a good or bad thing. With a sigh, he says, "I wonder if he's changed?"  _Like you, like me, like Touka? Somehow, has he changed differently?_

"I wouldn't know," Himani snaps. " _Maybe you should ask him?_ " She's in a strangely bad mood as of the past few days, and Kaneki can't help but wonder why.

The truth is, while Kaneki still feels that _pull_ towards Hide like he used to, he's too scared to get close, in fear that someone might hurt him because it's _Kaneki_ they're talking about.  _The One-Eyed King, Centipede, Eyepatch._ He's changed too much, too much to hope that Hide still cares for him. It's a selfish thought, as of the past month or two, Touka and him have been inseparable, but it's there, and nothing he says can change it. Besides, Touka's _different_ than Hide, right?  _Right?_

Anyways, Hide's been acting awfully shy these days, barely taking the time to say hello to his best friend. Maybe some time with him is long overdue. He's changed so much, though. He's  _abandoned_ Hide, left him without warning, but that absolute  _idiot_ hadn't given up, holding onto the hope that he was still alive. He'd  _known_ all this time. Kaneki sometimes has to remind himself of just how smart Hide is.

As if by Kaneki's calling, Hide barrels into the kitchen just in time to see him scrunch up his face in concentration. "Kaneki," he rasps. He sounds like he's about to say something important, fidgeting restlessly on his feet, ignoring Touka's careful stare.

Kaneki looks up in surprise. "Hide," he grins. "What's up?" Touka slides closer to him and an uncomfortable feeling settles in Hide's gut. Without warning, he begins to choke, startling Kaneki into standing.

"Hide!" he yelps. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing," he manages to choke back, and gives a blood-stained smile to Hinami. "I'll be back." The bubbly boy slips out of the room, leaving Hinami to clutch at her apron in worry.

"He's definitely sick," Touka amends, frowning at the still swinging door.

"I dunno," Hinami grates. "You should _ask him_." 

✿

Hinami still gets nightmares. She'd have gone to Kaneki, but she doesn't _want_ to know what's he's doing with Touka at the moment, so instead she heads down the hall to Hide's room.

They are too many flowers now. Shuu's taken to picking up the fallen ones and saving them in a tiny box, while Hide dumps as many as he can find in the trash. He won't even talk to Kaneki anymore, but it's only been two weeks since he's first coughed up that tiny forget-me-not and suddenly his life was turned around. It had been a shock to Hinami to learn that Hide hadn't noticed his feelings up until that point. He's always seemed so  _close_ to Kaneki, but she really can't blame him for being so clueless when it came to love. He knew how to do everything else, so how would it be fair that he would know how to fall in love?

"Hide," she whines, "can you sing to me?"

Hide gives her a careful smile, almost sad and confused at the same time. _Bittersweet._ "I don't know how to," he whispers.

"Just try," she says hopefully, and he nods.

"I'll try," he mutters. ~~He's not talking about singing.~~

_"Strumming my pain with his fingers,_

_singing my life with his words,_

_killing me softly with his song,_

_killing me softly with his song."_

Hide doesn't sing prettily. His voice is too high, too chapped with emotion. It's ugly and _beautiful_ at the same time. Hinami isn't one to make things into what they're not, but in that moment, _she knew_. Hide wasn't singing for her.

_"Telling my whole life with his words,  
_

_killing me softly with his song."_

When he finishes with a quiet exhale, she's given up on holding back her crying. Tears stream freely down her face as she looks up at him.

"That good, huh?" he says, but it's too melancholy to be happy. She lets out a swallowed laugh and hugs him tightly.

"You're okay," he whispers, "you're okay."

 _Hide_ should be the one who's nestled into someone's arms, he should be the one who had someone to hold onto. "I'm sorry."

Pulling her up, he gives her a strange look. She's surprised to see tears streaming down his face as well, "You don't need to be," he reminds her tiredly.

"I'm apologizing for Kaneki," she explains, and he smiles.

"He doesn't need to, either. It's no one's fault but my own," he murmurs, and then, "Sleep. Please." The last thing Hinami sees is the pile of forget-me-nots in the corner of the room, large enough to coat her completely.

Neither of them notice Kaneki, his ear pressed against the door, a hand over his mouth to hide his scream.

✿

Kaneki is waiting for Hide as he attempts to make his way out of the house.

"You," Kaneki grinds out, grabbing Hide by his collar. "Explain."

"I don't need to explain anything to you," Hide snaps back, brushing Kaneki off.

"You do if it involves me," Kaneki hisses and Hide takes a cautious step back.

"You're so  _damn selfish_ ," he continues. He's on a roll now, he  _can't_ stop. "You always act like nothing is wrong, and then end up falling apart for it. Don't act like you're the only one who can notice these things. I'm not an idiot, Hide, and if you think you can keep sneaking around the house without me noticing you, then you've got another thing coming. And your singing yesterday, what was that about-!" He stops suddenly, interrupted by Hide's coughing fit. "Hide?"

Hide presses a hand to his mouth and turns, hoping to escape, but Kaneki slams a hand against the door. Gripping his best friend's hands, he tears them from his face. Laying delicately in his hands are dozens of flowers, each perfectly formed.

"Hanahaki Disease," Hide rasps. "I thought I could keep it from you."

"It's for..." Kaneki gasps, finding it hard to breathe all of a sudden, "for me."

" _Y-yes,_ " Hide rasps, and before he can think, Kaneki is surging forwards and kissing him, hard. Hide just stands there, unsure of what to do until Kaneki lets go, tears forming in his eyes.

Hide coughs.

A tiny blue flower slips to the ground.

" _What_ ," Kaneki croaks, "why didn't it work?"

But Hide is walking backwards, slowly, slowly. "No," he cries, "it's  _requited_ love. You have to  _love me back_."

"I do!" Kaneki whimpers. His heart is slamming a pattern against the inside of his ribcage, one that will most likely be there forever.

"The flowers don't lie," Hide snivels. And then he's turning and  _racing_ into the house, ignoring Kaneki's outstretched hand. Overcome, the ghoul slips down on the steps, staring sightlessly at the night sky. How could it  _not_ work? Aren't I _in love with Hide?_ The questions swirl through his mind, but he can only focus on one of them at a time. The night sky blinks back at him, offering no solace as the tears begin to roll down his cheeks. He's _sorry_ , so  _sorry_ that Hide had to go through this for him. Hide, selfless Hide who refused to forget him, Hide who refused to tell  _him_ , to do anything that would confuse Kaneki. If only he'd have known before Touka, if only he'd have known before Rize. If only, if only, if only. It's neither of their faults yet entirely both at the same time. Like he's done so many times, he quells his questions, spinning faster and faster and drifts away.

_I'm sorry._

✿

Hide leans against the headboard like he has many, many times before. He has two choices, but knowing himself, he'll find a third option just for himself. If he's going to die, he'll do it on his terms. He rubs his fingers over the plastic cover of the disc. He's smudged the writing, but the name "Kaneki" is still clear on the front.

_I'm sorry, Hinami._

_I'm sorry, Shuu._

_I'm sorry, Touka._

_I'm sorry, Ayato._

_I'm sorry, Kaneki._

_I'm sorry, Hide._

His heart beats faster and faster. The trash can is coated with millions of flowers, delicate and unwilting. He  _hates_ that. How can the flowers stay so pretty when they've caused him so much pain? Why did fate have to hate him like this? But it's his fault. He should have just been quiet, he should have just been more careful. Leaning forwards, Hide slides the window open, glancing at the black streaked dawn. He pulls his legs over the edge, heart hammering in his body. Wobbling dangerously, he plants his feet on the sill. Kaneki will find his pictures, he'll find his music, he'll move on. Hide is just holding him back. 

_Worthless, useless, terrible._

Hide doesn't fall.

He  _flies._

✿

It's been years since Hide's been gone, it's been hours.

Kaneki can't remember a time without the bubbly, bright boy, but now here he is, _living it_. Hinami had quietly passed him the disc. "It's for you," is what she's sniffled. "I found it in his room. I'm... sorry."

The disc wasn't want Kaneki wanted. He wanted Hide back, with all his sunshine smiles and terribly colored hair, and his collection of baseball caps. Instead, Hide had sung for Kaneki one last time.

_"Strumming my pain with his fingers,_

_singing my life with his words,_

_killing me softly with his song._

_Killing me softly with his song."_

Kaneki doesn't cry. He tells them he's burning the disc, but he coats it in scarves and hides it under his mattress. Then he cries.

✿

"Hey Hide," Kaneki murmurs. "I brought you flowers."

He places the bouquet of forget-me-nots on the grave, admiring the way the marble complements the blue of the flowers. It was ironic, really. While Tsukiyama had once explained to Hide that forget-me-nots meant true love, he'd explained to Kaneki that the flower also meant remembrance. And Kaneki wouldn't stop remembering Hide, no matter how hard he tried.

"I promise, I'll see you soon. You wouldn't want that, but still," he laughs quietly, admiring the way his gut twists.

"I love you." 

**Author's Note:**

> Yell at me at invitationtoparadise.tumblr.com!
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


End file.
